By Anna Mussmann
My son had trouble falling asleep last
night and came downstairs to tell us the shadows in his room looked like ogres.
When he’s afraid of the dark, he is not
comforted by a logical exposition designed to demonstrate the absence of
monsters. Only two things really work. The first is praying with him. We ask
God to give him safety and courage. The second is letting him select a pie
server or rubber spatula from the utensil jar. He carries it upstairs so that
if he sees a suspicious shadow he can stab it. After all, you never know,
right?
I shouldn’t feel so impatient when one of
my children wanders downstairs after bedtime. After all, there are a lot of similarities
between childhood fears and “mom guilt,” and I know what it’s like to be
afflicted by the latter. I, too, have occasionally lain in bed struggling with
worries that might not even make sense.
The biggest parallel between fear of
monsters and mom guilt, though, is that so many people try to solve both
problems the wrong way. My son’s fears are not actually unfounded. The root of
the issue is his sense that death and evil exist. In a way, he is right to be
afraid. It is genuinely possible that something bad could happen to him or to
our family on any given night. Arguing with him about shadows and flickering
nightlights will never erase this truth.
In the same way, most attempts to erase
mom guilt miss the point. You’ve probably heard the cultural message: you just need
to decide you’re a great mom. As an
article from Today’s Parent says,
“If all moms feel guilty—and research shows that we pretty much all do—then
there's no ‘better’ mother to compare ourselves to. Turns out mom guilt is a
sham.”
This argument defines guilt as the
product of being lower on
the scale than someone else. It's not an uncommon attitude, and despite sounding reassuring, it fuels the tendency to criticize and tear each other down so that no one is “better.” It also makes it hard for moms to mentor and
teach each other, because any suggestion that someone else might know enough to
help you is immediately threatening.
That writer’s main point, though, is that
moms "shouldn’t" feel guilty. Yet we do. Of course we do! Modern Americans don't acknowledge it in theological language, but we all know moms sin.
Becoming aware of each other’s mistakes, weaknesses, and sins doesn’t somehow
absolve us of our own.
If we are going to escape the slavery of mom guilt, we need constant
reassurance that Jesus died for us. Yet as we try to repent, it helps to recognize that the issue is complicated. As a culture, we’ve
mixed several disparate feelings and tendencies—not all of which are specifically
sins--into one bundle and called it “mom guilt.” We, like my son, need our pie
server-equivalents to test the shadows that creep into our minds at night. Questions make pretty good spatulas.
1.
Is [this thing I feel guilty about] Something I Am Actually Supposed to Do?
One reason moms are so busy comparing ourselves
to others is that, unlike in other times and places, our culture does not
provide us with a uniform and cohesive view of what a good mom is supposed to
do. We keep peeking around uneasily to see what everyone else seems to be
doing.
Simply recognizing this gap is liberating.
It frees us to examine our own assumptions, goals, and lives. What do we
actually hope to do as mothers? What do our children truly need? What does God's Word say about this beautiful, natural, self-sacrificial vocation? Working
through questions like these with our husbands can be helpful. (Maybe even check out a template like this one).
Knowing what we are actually trying to do can help us avoid false guilt for failing to live
up to other people’s priorities.
2.
Am I Struggling with Pride?
We moms tend to frame ourselves as victims of mom guilt. Sometimes, though,
we’re the perpetrators.
We want to feel skilled and
successful at what we’re doing. We want—deep down--to
paraphrase the Pharisee of
Luke 18 and pray, “I thank God that I am not like other moms.” When events or
our children show us up and ding our pride, we are prone to mislabeling how we
feel as “mom guilt.”
It’s healthy to ask ourselves whether our “guilt”
is focused on our children’s actual needs or on other people’s perception of us
and our children. If our feelings would be different if no one had seen what happened, perhaps we should repent of pride
instead of complaining about guilt.
3.
Have My Fears Been Triggered?
A while ago, my two-year-old fell on the cement
step that leads to our back door and bit his tongue. The poor little guy bled
at lot at the time, and later he woke up in pain during the night. It made me
feel guilty. If I had held his hand, he wouldn’t have fallen.
Yet I also know it would be damaging for
him if I kept him tethered permanently to my hand. Why, then, did I feel guilty because he happened to stumble? Maybe my pride
was triggered—maybe I like to think of myself as more powerful in my children’s
lives than I really am—but I think the biggest factor was something else. I
think fear is often mislabeled “mom guilt.”
Children are so precious and so
vulnerable. Their pain triggers our recognition that sin, death, and evil exist—and
that we do not have the power to overcome them for our children. A little
accident reminds us that a big one could happen.
In moments like this, I try to turn my
attention away from “feeling guilty,” because the phrase isn’t accurate. What I
really need to do is take my fears to Christ. I can pray for the courage to face suffering and danger. I can cling to His promises for
me and my children.
4.
Am I Suffering Because I Love My Kids?
There is, of course, another reason we moms don’t
like to see our children suffer. We love our children! It’s unpleasant to see
anyone we love in discomfort or pain. There’s nothing wrong with this. There is
no need to label our natural sadness “mom guilt” as if we need somehow to salve, cure, or erase it. It is OK to be appropriately sad. It is OK to love.
5.
Am I Experiencing the Work of the Holy Spirit?
We moms sin against our kids. Quite frequently.
Sometimes we develop long-term sinful habits in the way we mother.
Sometimes we make life decisions that sinfully prioritize our own desires over
the good of our children.
In these cases, our guilty feelings are good. They are the work of the Holy
Spirit calling us to repentance. They are a sign of the mercy of the Savior who
leaves the ninety-nine sheep to seek after the one who is lost. Mom guilt can
be a blessing, because it reminds us who we are (sinners and saints, redeemed by
God). We are the children of a Heavenly Father who never fails us, never sins,
never feels guilty; but instead takes on our guilt and nails it to the cross.
We won’t solve mom guilt by telling moms that
monsters don’t exist. They do. Even in us. Instead, let’s remember the Savior
who has already defeated the monsters and given us His righteousness. Mom guilt is complicated, but Christ's mercy is not. He can forgive us whether or not we sort through, understand, and correctly label our feelings. He can step into the gap and save our children when we fail.
Through
Him, we can celebrate this Mother’s Day without the burden of mom guilt--not
because we’ve erased our guilt but because He has. In that sense, modern American pop culture is right. You don't have to feel guilty.
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After graduating from Concordia Wisconsin, Anna taught in Lutheran schools for several years. She now homeschools her children during the day and writes in the evening. Anna loves Jane Austen, dark chocolate, and the Oxford comma. She reviews the books she reads on Goodreads, and her work can also be found in The Federalist.
